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Welcome To The World's Funniest Jokes |
The World's Funniest Jokes
At Funniest Jokes, we've worked pretty hard trying to collect the world's funniest jokes. Our funny jokes website, while not the largest, most colouful, or fanciest, contains within it, thousands of funny adult jokes, funny dirty jokes, and you get the picture.
All of our funny jokes are public domain, to our knowledge, or submitted by readers. If you happen to read a really funny joke that is copyrighted, let us know and we'll let it go. Thanks for visiting Funniest Jokes!
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Adult
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John woke up after the annual office new year party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
'Louise,' he moaned, 'tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?'
'Even worse,' she said, her voice oozing scorn. 'You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.'
'He's an idiot,' John said. 'Piss on him.'
'You did', came the reply. 'And he fired you.'
'Well, screw him!' said John.
'I did. You're back to work on Monday.' |
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Adult
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My grandmother died in 1975, but her birthday is coming up, and that
always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the
store on Brunswick Street , the quarters she gave me for meaningless
jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk... Those gems were all
good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of
grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 10.
We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda
bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me
that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.
"And remember always this thing," she said. "Be sure you marry a woman
with small hands."
"How come, Grandma?" I asked her. She answered in her soft voice..
"Makes your dick look bigger."
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it!? |
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Adult
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When four of Santa's elves
got sick, the trainee elves did not produce Toys as fast as the regular
ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus
told Santa her Mother was Coming To visit, which stressed Santa even
more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of
them were About to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were
out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the
Floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys Were
scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of Apple
cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he
discovered the elves had drank all The Cider and hidden the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally Dropped The cider jug, and it Broke
into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went
to get the broom and found the mice Had Eaten all the straw off the end of
the broom. Just then the doorbell Rang, and irritated Santa marched to the
door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree. The angel said Very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa.
Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you
like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little
angel on top of the Christmas Tree.
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To All My Drinking buddies |
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Adult
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I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....
Scared the shit out of me!
After today, no more reading.
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Adult
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I rear ended a car this morning...the driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's how the fight started. |
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Adult
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Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both
brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth
grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! ? Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said
to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers
down there too!" She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!
She said, "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!
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Adult
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A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.
Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
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