Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Maude: What in the hell is that? Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Maude: Where did you get it? Mabel: You can ...

A Jewish woman says to her mother: "I'm divorcing Sheldon! All he wants is anal sex and my asshole is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece." Mother says: "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive ...

In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman ...

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.' Over the course of the years, the woman ...

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what..... A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, ...

I rear ended a car this morning...the driver got out of the other car...and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said: "I am NOT Happy!" So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?" That's how the fight started.

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking.... Scared the shit out of me! So that's it! After today, no more reading.

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce Toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was Coming To visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were About to give birth and two others had ...

My grandmother died in 1975, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store on Brunswick Street , the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk... Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly ...